Is Phoenix the new Kaufmann?

A Chinese

Sometime we need just a little more humor in our lives. Yesterday, I thought I was falling slowly toward another deep well of depression. The kind that makes you wish you could afford better drugs, but then one of my students brought me an early Christmas present, and I think I can survive another few months of teaching political science to underprivileged gangster babies.

What Obama is not saying.

McCain and Palin will force white women to bring to term half-negro babies by the rape case.

Wathcu talkin bout willis?

Seriously. What are you talking about? How about focusing your campaign on undoing what has been done. Would not half the country get behind a guy who just said fuck this repug shit?

lipstick on my dick

vote for me. i didn't kill my retarded baby.

Another pretty good reason to question your America's sanity

On American Fanatics' Bottle Rocket Theory.

Jesus Camp #567

A nice summary of Bush's Jesus Guy.

(Bush's Evangelical Gatekeeper: The Best Damn Whore Around)

No, Americans are the problem.

Someone wrote,"America has a very serious problem -- but it is not a problem of being American. It is an information problem, a problem of the people being fooled not all the time but just this once very very seriously."
'

Blame the goverement. Blame the media. But at some point you're going to have to do what a lot of serious people have already done: blame the people.

While the Earthlings are much better generally than Americans when it comes to separating a person's networth from their nationality, it would be insulting to assume everyone forgot we elected George Bush AFTER the Abu Torture photos.

We, the people, are the root of the problem. You may now return to your Double Mocha Latte Grande.

Due process is so 9-10.

We need the Obamoblie.

Would it really surprise you if Obama took a bullet. I'm not talking about probabilities or anything, but would such a tragedy run counter to the pathological violence that animates the criminal enterprise running this country?

A.M. radio could add another name to the Clinton hit list. And the warmongering billionaires could sleep tidy for at least four more years.

Get the man some security. How about Pope John's bullet-proof golf cart? Obamobile?

Hillary's new attack ad.

A New Job for Ralph Nadar.

Why does Nadar crawl out of a rock every four years?

If he wants to be useful, I have a better idea for him: fight for a law that would require a candidate to secure fifty percent of the vote in order to be president.

He would make the ground more fertile for politicians like himself who justifiably find the current duopoly insufficient.

Until victory requires a majority, a third party candidate will always do the most damage to the opponent with whom they share the most values.

Watching Congress these passed two years highlights our need for more competition in this place. I am so tired of watching a bunch of spineless turkeys who don't have to be anything other than "not republican" to secure the progressive vote. This binary system stinks.

Wouldn't it be nice to have two anti-establishment candidates to choose from without fear of peeling votes? All we need are ranked ballots and an instant run off.

Why is Obama xeroxing Ron L. Hubbard?

An anonymous reader writes in with another Earth-shattering revelation, no joke.

I have in front of me documented evidence that Obama plagiarizes Scientology's King of Crackpot. The words of Ron L. Hubbard, from the literary classic Battleship Earth:

Animal-man dude #1: The great villages were built by our people. By millions of men and women just like us willing to fight to the death for one thing above all else- their freedom.

Animal-man dude #2: Do you think no one has tried? You can't defeat them.

Animal-man dude #1: Yes we can. Yes we can!

Sound familiar? It should. It's written on your t-shirt.

I don't usually publish stories sourced anonymously- I mean who am I? Agent Judith MIller? No, I'm just some blooger named Unicorn Hotdog (curse you, Mama). However, in this case I will make an exception. If I had watched that movie or read that book, I wouldn't want anyone to know either.

Update: This quote is at least in the movie. I used to work in a video store, back when I was finishing up my phd, and I still have a few connections up there. (Hi, D.) Well, I had my boy check the quote out, and it's at least in the movie.

Update II: I tried to go to the public library and see if it was in the book, but the librarian kept looking at me kinda funny like. Then I realized she must have noticed I was hovering around the Ron L. Hubbard section, which I imagine throws up a lot of red flags. They have my card on file already, and after the Monkey Incident, I don't want any more trouble.

Update III: It it possible that "anonymous" refers not to a person but the organization of the same name who has vowed to take down Scientology with their Mad Hack skills? Am I a pawn of their evil schemes? It doesn't make sense, I know. But just because we can't understand gravity doesn't mean we go flying off the face of the Earth.

Update IIII: phd? meant ghb.

Thoughts on the thoughts of those having thoughts about Ezra Klein's latest...

Because the readers have demanded that I wade into this highly boring issue and offer my two cents worth. I refuse. However, here is my free version, an excerpt from the speech I delivered at the Elk's Head Lodge back in '99, as transcribed by Barney:

As a Texan who has lived much of the last decade in Munich, I never fell out of love with the pedestrian-friendly densities of Europe, which extend from downtown to the suburbs.

I miss those morning sidewalks of popping into the bakery for a fresh semmel and a cup of coffee, stopping at the newsstand for a Guardian and a pack of gum, dropping into the subway station, and hopping on the the train that would carry me downtown.

We face need not a choice between urban and suburban environments, but we should expand our notions as to what suburbia can be.

I was such a prat. Where's my gun? Mama's hungry.

Update: My prescience astounds me.

A meditation on a straw mat.

I haven't owned a chair in nearly a year.

Don't laugh. The electoral margins have become so slim that people without chairs may very well determine the outcome of the next election.

I always thought those jokes were kind of funny. But I don't think it works anymore.

George Bush Sex Talk

9/11 Does Not Change Red Diapers

The Nation reminds us that Obama is a "half black/half Jewish, red diaper baby."

And now a word from our sponsor: fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you.

Editor's note: we are currently seeking new sponsorship, something a little classier, maybe even articulate.

Sponsor: Well, fuck you, too.

Editor: Come on. That's enough.

Sponsor: Well, don't call me inarticulate, you little bitch. You take my money, never say a word but thanks, and then I turn around and you dis me to the readers. Fuck you, Unicorn Hotdog. You've changed. You think that now just because you have tens and thousands of page views from that little hatchet job you did on Katie Price Jordan that you are Mr. Bigshot. (NWS)

Editor: That was an accident. And I fixed her nipple. She's as good as new, which I'll admit isn't all that great.

Sponsor: Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Unicorn Hotdog. You and I both know what you did to that girl. You stapled a pepperoni slice to her boob.

Editor: Her boob? I paid for those boobs.

Sponsor: Hotdog Unicorn! Listen to yourself. Seriously. I mean come on, man, you stapled pork to a Jewish girl. What's wrong with you?

Editor: Godammit. I never get this kind of shit from my Google Ads.

[freeze frame]
[break]

What Hillary Sings, Crouched in the Shower's Corner

"If you don't love me
by now,
you will never never
never never
love me.
Oooooooh, Ooooooh."

527 reasons to support Hillary Clinton

Hillary's spunky act of creating 527 hit pieces should be met with applause for it does two things for the Obama camp.

One, it provides Obama a frame for wiggling out of public financing. He will have immediate cause to question the tact of relying on public funds when his opponent, as demonstrated by Clinton, can unethically use 527's as a way of securing campaign money.

Second, it highlights the fact that the FEC board has been vacated, leaving candidates unprotected from unscrupulous opponents.

Edwards or Gore will not come out for Obama

In light of Hillary's ever more destructive strategies for securing the Donk Nomination, many are asking, "Where is Gore, dude?," which is often followed by, "I don't know, man. Where is Edwards?"

Speaking from personal experience let me just say: Don't speak that way in a job interview unless its a position at a head shop, or maybe as a Kucinich Kamp couselor, and only then if you are intent upon reinforcing streotypes.

As for your Gore and Edwards
-"we sold out long ago"
No, no, no, sorry, that was not me. That was the waitress commenting on the Quiche Lorraine.

Gore and Edwards are saving their endorsement to provide sway against a delegate "stalemate." Playing their cards now will not prevent a cookie crumbling, but a well-timed karate chop could help put the king back together again.

If you only have one bullet, wait for your ducks to get in a row.

The Republicans on Government Snooping, circa 1996

Senator Bob Dole, not bothering to grip a pen in his gimp pen:

Since our nation was founded over 200 years ago, the American people have held an expectation that their privacy was sacred and that government could not, without serious cause, pry into the lives of our citizens.

Along with the expectation that our government tells people the truth, freedom from domestic surveillance is a right the American people should be able to count on. It is one of the things that sets us apart from other nations...

Then he brings the kind money shot:

It is not the right of the government to know the most intimate details of what you are doing. Americans deserve an administration that knows the difference. After all, the promise of our country is that all of us can live freely, stand equally before the law and enjoy fundamental rights that are not infringed by any individual or government.

That is why so many nations around the world want to be like America and why so many people dream of coming here and building a better life. So long as that promise is kept, America will always be the greatest nation on the face of the earth.

Too bad he couldn't keep it up.

***Insert Viagra Joke***

Huckabee Praying/ Waiting for McCain to Killover

Huckabee seeks his miracle?

Has it occurred to anybody that Rev. Huckabee refuses to concede defeat in the GOP race because he believes that the Great Campaign Manager in the sky is going to call Saint McCain home?

Disturbing the patterns of the reality.

Something to post on a friend's website:

Hey,

I ran those plates for you. It has them registered to a Marjorie Ann Peterson, at 1517 Falcon View out in Friendswood, but here's the weird thing: it says she died back in 1976 of Sudden Instant Death Syndrome. I haven't made detective yet, but I'm pretty sure dead babies don't drive old Buicks.

I ran the address to see if something popped up. Since, 1984 that place has been a tire repair shop.

What is the Sound of Satan's Puppet Monkey Orally Massaging a Well-oiled Bunghole?

Asked what specifically he wanted the Saudis and other OPEC producers to do, Mr. Bush said he hoped “that OPEC, if possible, understands that if they could put supply on the market, it would be helpful.”